


Ares has a bad day

by ChopinWorshipper



Series: The Olympians and their everyday shenanigans [11]
Category: Ancient Greek Religion & Lore
Genre: Gen, ares is pissed, brutally, he just wants to see people die, in war, sisyphus captures thanatos, so he has to fix the no dying thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:13:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29605083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChopinWorshipper/pseuds/ChopinWorshipper
Summary: My take on the story of how Ares comes to save death, after he was captured by Sisyphos.
Relationships: Hades/Persephone (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore)
Series: The Olympians and their everyday shenanigans [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148963
Kudos: 9





	Ares has a bad day

“WHY THE FUCK WON'T YOU DIE???”, the war god shrieked furiously, while while stabbing a random mortal soldier like there was no tomorrow.

Dammit, that little fucker should have been long dead by now! Instead he just lay on the ground screaming and crying in agony like a bitch – but he just wouldn't _die_!!!

“I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, JUST KILL ME, OHMYGODS-”

“I'm trying, alright?!”, Ares snapped. “Now shut the fuck up! I gotta think …”

But that was kind of hard with thousands of mortal warriors lying around the battlefield similarly screaming and bleeding out.

Which both aggravated and confused the war god; why were they all still alive?! Where was the fun in war, if no one died?!? How was that even possible, most of them should have died of their wounds.

Why was no one dying?!

Where were the Keres? Where was Thanatos?!

Wait … _exactly_! Where the fuck was Death?!

He would have to give Hades a call. Surely, the King of Erebos would have answers.

“ _Ares … Ares … ARES, PICK UP THE CALL, DAMNIT!!!”_

The war god jumped, but groaned in annoyance and produced his far-speaker.

“Hello, this is Ares, god of terrible war, what do you want?”

A sigh on the other end: _“Ares, it's me. Your uncle Hades.”_

“Oh, hey! Yeah, listen, there's a problem up here …”

“ _No one is dying?”_

“Yeah. Uncle, where is Thanatos?!”

“ _Tartaros, if I know!”_

“What the fuck?!”

“ _Yeah. No one has died in over a year! Listen, Ares, I can't leave Erebos because of my work, so you have to help me out –_ please _. I have quotas to fill!”_

“What, so you don't lose out to Ereshkigal and Hel again?”, Ares teased.

There was an annoyed grumble at the other end of the line: _“Haha, very funny, you git! Just go and get Thanatos back! The last time I saw him was when I sent him to get the criminal Sisyphos. He still hasn't returned and many people in need of the relief of gentle death are suffering. And the Keres are suddenly burdened with work they can't handle. Just yesterday they collapsed from exhaustion. And that disgusting mortal is still alive.”_

“Oh, that guy! He killed his guests and cock-blocked my dad, didn't he?”

“ _NEPHEW!”_

The war god winced and held the far-speaker away from his ear.

“What the fuck, don't scream into my ear! Alright, so that explains why no one's dyin' here. Yeah, I'll have found 'im by the evenin'. Expect me in your halls by the end of the day, with Thanatos and that fucker Sisyphos. See ya.” Then he ended the call.

Ares huffed in frustration and went off to find … wait. Where did that motherfucking arsehole live again? Oh right, Corinth …

Just an hour later, a very pissed-off war god burst through Sisyphos' front door.

Upon finding him (a mousy-looking man in his late 60s), he seized him by the tunic and roared: **“ALRIGHT, YOU SON OF A BITCH, WHERE THE FUCK IS THANATOS?!”**

Sisyphos stuttered: “U-uhm, y-you seem a bit upset, how about a drink fir-”

He didn't get to finish his sentence, because Ares knocked him out.

Scornfully the god looked down on the unconscious mortal. “Never mind, I'll find him by myself. Nice try though, but that has never worked on me!”

Then he searched the whole palace, until he got to the king's bedchamber. There he found a closet, which was unnecessarily covered in chains. Bingo.

With ease he tore the chains away, opened the closet and the weakened death god dropped before Ares' feet.

The war god grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Thanatos! Oi! Can you hear me? Wake up!”

Finally, but oh so slowly, Thanatos opened his eyes and blinked disorientatedly. “Wh-what … happened …?”

“Ya dumb fuck let that ugly bastard getcha drunk and lock ya in a fucking closet, so I had to come here to save ya 'cause no one's dying! What the fuck, man! You had one job! How am I supposed to have fun, if no one is d-mhmph????”

Ares froze, when Thanatos pressed his chapped lips to his own.

“Thank you”, he croaked, before passing out.

For a few minutes Ares was paralysed.

Then he snapped out of his shock, vehemently wiped his mouth and stared at the son of Nyx in horror and disgust.

“Ewww! What the Tartaros is wrong with you! Damn, I feel like I'm in some cheesy romance play by Dionysos, where I have to save the damsel in distress or some weird shit. Now, where's your scythe … oh, there it is!”

With a huff he grabbed the death god's scythe, threw him over his shoulders and dragged the mortal, the death god and the scythe straight down to the underworld.

There he throttled Kharon, until the old geezer gave him and Thanatos a ride and from there carried the poor god to the throne room, where Hades and Persephone were waiting.

“Ares!”, Persephone exclaimed and rose from her throne. “Welcome, my brother! Oh, you found Thanatos! Praise to Ananke!”

“Yeah, didn't take as long as I thought. Anyway, I think death boy here needs medical attention.”

Hades came over, shaking his head. “Really, nephew, I'll never get over how you talk about Thanatos like he isn't older than even myself. But let me see, wha- by the gloomy mists of Khaos!”

The war god had placed the unconscious Thanatos on the floor before the thrones.

The personification of death was – ironically so – more dead than alive.

“Found 'im stuffed and locked in a closet”, Ares told the royal couple. “Arsehole obviously didn't give him food or drink either. Speakin' of that mofo, he's waitin' outside the palace for someone to call him in to be judged and junk.”

Persephone nodded and waved over a few attendants to fetch nectar, ambrosia, a litter and some medical equipment. Then she bent over to examine Thanatos.

“Stretch his wings, so I can get a better look. Ares, what happened exactly?”

So he recounted everything in detail and Hades and Persephone were astounded, when he told them about that kiss.

“How odd”, Hades remarked. “Usually he only kisses his siblings and his mother.”

“I don't care, to whom he does it, as long as it isn't me!”, Ares snapped angrily.

“Now, brother”, Persephone tried to soothe him, “he was starved and dehydrated. Certainly he didn't actually mean to do this. He must have been delirious.”

“Whatever”, Ares grumbled. “I don't want him to do that ever again. Tell him that, when he wakes up. And give him my regards.”

Hades grinned: “Aw, you're leaving already? Don't you want a little snack, before you go?”

“Hades! That joke is getting old!”, cackled Persephone.

Ares just glared at the both of them – he really wasn't in the mood for this!

“No, thanks! I'm not stayin' here any longer! Bye!”

He returned to Olympos in a really bad mood and everybody took care to avoid him, while he was in that state. Grumpily he went to bed and hoped that tomorrow would be a better day.

Well, at least that came true: humans were dying again, just like they were supposed to.

He also received an apologetic letter from Thanatos. The death god wrote that he didn't remember much, but faintly recalled thinking that his twin-brother Hypnos was holding him in his arms.

Okaayyy … still, who the fuck kissed their twin on the mouth?!

Not even he and Enyo did that!

The children of Nyx were so weird!


End file.
